Once more, I was inspired to PLAY PIANO again. I wondered if our Bamboo Organ organist Amando Salarza will accept me as a student again after almost 6 years of not attending piano lessons. And even though my fingers would usually tremble while playing in front of a crowd, I know that in my heart, I really love to play piano--my nanay made me love it. And deep inside I desire to learn more and to be able to play, with my whole heart and spirit. I would love to create music. I would love to bring peace and joy through playing the piano.
On playing other things.....
O well, I was branded by many people (usually guys) that I am a PLAYING SAFE person. I am very careful, I will always think of what would I have to say, I would as much as possible keep the deepest feelings inside myself, I would make so many alibis, I would go around the bush and I would never go straight to the point. Just a while ago, I was talking to Kuya Kirby over the phone and he made me remember how 'super magulong kausap' I am most especially when talking to guys regarding matters of the heart. I was telling him what happened to me last week and all he said is that it's all my fault. He said that IN MY FACE!!!!
I was trying to rationalize at first, saying that it's not easy to be confronted and to go straight to the point and straight to what I want. But he insisted that I am so 'paligoy-ligoy' and it seems that most of the time, my true message would be hidden in a riddle. It's like a difficult conquest that even the most intelligent person would go insane because of me. It's either yes or no but my answer would be "You have to like this or like that....; It's because...; My situation is this and that..."; and many more!
I admit I was hurt. But then I realized that he was right. And because he was right, I wanted to cry. Cry because I know I hurt someone. Cry because once again, I was misinterpreted. I know, I know...Not all people would want to pursue a person like me. Not all people would have the courage to clarify things and to know what I really mean. Especially when they are hurt. Not all people would be patient enough to understand me each time I would go around and around with what I'm implying. Not all people would want to play with me. To me who wouldn't want to lose. To me who wouldn't want to risk anything. To me who would think over decisions a hundred times or more. To me who is always playing safe.
Sadly, now, I lost my playmates. They have given up. I have no playmates anymore even if I wanted to keep one. Maybe I don't deserve any. Maybe my playmates wouldn't want to play with me the way I play with them. Maybe before my playmates enjoy the game, they are already tired and exhausted. And now, I am playing alone.
No room for parallel, cooperative or competitive play for me. I have to get used to play alone. I am like an infant who engage in solitary play. No hurting of playmates anymore. Playing with me is similar to what Sam said to Austin Ames in The Cinderella Story: "Waiting for you is like waiting for rain to end the drought: disappointing and useless."
I have to learn from my experience. Life is indeed not a simple game to play. We cannot always play safe and we cannot always win. Just like a liitle child who fell and bruised his knees while running--there will be times when we end up being hurt and broken. There are winners and losers but there are lessons learned. And those lessons give worth and meaning to the game so-called LIFE.
